


Just Because I Left Doesn't Mean That I'm Not Still There

by 1Temmie_Official1



Series: Northern Downpour Sends Its Love [10]
Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Attempted Murder, Azula (Avatar) Needs a Hug, Azula (Avatar)-centric, Baby Zuko has a lisp, Burns, Child Abuse, Child Azula (Avatar), Child Neglect, Childhood, Childhood Friends, Childhood Trauma, Crushes, Depression, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Female Character of Color, Fluff, Gen, Hallucinations, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Infidelity, Jasmine is the Legends of Kolor discord server's oc, Mental Anguish, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Murder, Ozai (Avatar) Being a Terrible Parent, Ozai (Avatar) is an Asshole, POV Alternating, Protective Azula (Avatar), Protective Zuko (Avatar), Psychological Trauma, Schizophrenia, Self-Harm, Trans Zuko (Avatar), Trauma, Violence, Zuko (Avatar) Has a Lisp, and we love that, except zukos not dead okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-29
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-18 10:27:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28616547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1Temmie_Official1/pseuds/1Temmie_Official1
Summary: Ursa cupped Azula's face into her hands. "I know you're strong enough to do this on your own."If only she was.//An exploration of Ursa's relationship with her children, both the good and bad.An exploration of Azula's relationship with her family, both the good and bad.An exploration of the Fire Nation's most powerful family, both the good and the bad.An exploration of how it all fell apart.//READ THE TAGS!!!!!!! Trigger warning for all of the above!!!
Relationships: Azula & Azulon (Avatar), Azula & Mai & Ty Lee, Azula & Mai (Avatar), Azula & Ozai (Avatar), Azula & Ty Lee (Avatar), Azula & Ursa (Avatar), Azula & Zuko (Avatar), Ozai & Zuko (Avatar), Ursa & Zuko (Avatar)
Series: Northern Downpour Sends Its Love [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1957609
Kudos: 27





	Just Because I Left Doesn't Mean That I'm Not Still There

**Author's Note:**

> IMPORTANT!!! READ ALL OF THIS!!!
> 
> Okay guys, first of all, I am NOT trying to villanize Azula here. I do not have schizophrenia nor any similar disorder. If anyone who has schizophrenia or any similar disorder finds this unrealistic or a negative portrayal of the disorder I will delete the entire fic and also the plot point. My goal is not to villanize or demonize those with any type of psychotic disorder, but instead to represent those who may be affected by such things. I am trying to do my research but I am not perfect, if I make any mistakes PLEASE let me know. Seriously, speak up. I don't want to do something that contributes to the harmful stereotypes of psychotic disorders.
> 
> Song rec for this: "Welly Boots" by The Amazing Devil
> 
> For the love of everything holy, read the tags. Trigger warning for everything listed. This is not pretty. There is fluff but like bro it goes dark.

"Mama? Wha'th that?" Zuko said from her place on the ground. Ursa, tired to the bone but overwhelmingly and entirely proud all the same, gave a weary smile, shifting the wrapped bundle in her arms. Ursa hoped that this daughter would be enough for Ozai. She was born on the Summer Solstice at the zenith of the sun's path. She was born lucky, lucky that with such auspicious conditions and such a... fiery birth (the first burnt blanket from when she screamed out with powerful lungs as she came into the world attested to that), that there was no doubt that this child was going to be a prodigy.

"This is your sister." Ursa introduced. Her one-year-old (well, she was almost two as she so constantly liked to remind Ursa), made grabby hand motions towards the sleeping newborn. She shifted, gently lowering the bundle towards the elder sibling. "Be careful, you don't want to wake her up."

"Woah. She's really pink." Zuko marvelled, placing a hand on the baby's cheek. Ursa felt her heart sink at the lisp her turtleducking had. Not because of her own concerns, but rather what her husband would do. "Wha'th her name?"

Ursa smiled. "Her name is Azula."

Zuko's mouth formed an 'o'. "That'th tho cool!" She put her hand near Azula's tiny baby fist. "Hi, Athula." Zuko frowned at her lisp. She tried again, this time going slowly. "Hi, Azzzzula. 'm your big thibling." Zuko broke into a grin as Azula took one of her fingers into her fist. Ursa felt pride swell in her chest. This was the first time Zuko had wrestled past the impediment in her speech. "I love you," Zuko whispered. "I love you, Lala." It felt peaceful. Joyous. Ursa felt so lucky to be here with her children, lucky to be away from her husband.

If only they had been so lucky as to stay that way.

-

"Zuzu."

"No, Baby Azula, my name is Zuuukkko. You can do it!" Zuko said for the 8th time. Ursa watched on from her chair where she was sewing a blanket for Zuko. It was nearly done, and that meant that Ursa could start on the one for Azula. Zuko still lisped, but she had put so much effort into learning how to pronounce 'z's, just so she could pronounce Azula's name properly. The 's's were still difficult, though, and Zuko was only able to get 'z's correct in Azula's or her own name, but it was progress nonetheless.

"Zuuzzuu!" Azula clapped, proud of herself.

Zuko sighed in exasperation. "Zu-ko!"

"Zu-zu!" Azula smacked the ground, laughing and gurgling.

"Zuko!" Zuko protested once more, hands balled into fists.

Ursa put down her sewing, walking over to her daughters. "It's okay, turtleduckling. Your sister will come around one day." She put a gentle hand on her eldest's shoulder. Azula was still none the wiser, gurgling and exploring the ground.

Zuko rubbed her eyes. "Promithe?"

Ursa picked up Azula, stopping her from eating a random piece of palace dirt. "I promise."

-

"Bye, bye, Zuzu!" Azula shouted.

"It's Zuko!!" Zuzu protested. Azula shrugged, walking away without looking back. The other girls were waving good-bye to their families. Azula's private tutors had let her skip ahead a year, so now she was taking classes with older children.

"Whatever!" Azula walked through the doors to her classroom. The first thing she saw was a flash of pink clothes and brown hair, and then she was greeted by a girl who was a bit taller than her.

"Hi! I'm Ty Lee!" A girl greeted. Azula, stunned, waved.

"I'm Princess Azula." Azula quickly remembered that she was supposed to be professional, but something about her made Azula want to let her guard down.

Ty Lee bowed shortly, then straightened. "I'm Ty Lee! But you already knew that- nice to meet you!" Ty Lee grinned. Azula liked Ty Lee, Ty Lee was funny and could be of use.

The Fire Nation Royal Academy for Girls was already going off to a great start. Another girl walked into the room, her dark hair tied into twin buns.

With equal enthusiasm, Ty Lee greeted the new girl. "Hi! I'm Ty Lee!"

The girl curled in on herself before straightening. Azula mentally analyzed her, obviously parent issues because of how she was able to smooth her face and hide her emotions so quickly. "I'm Mei." The new girl introduced.

Ty Lee took on a strange expression like she was trying to convey something with only her eyes. "When's your birthday?"

Mei frowned. "It's the day after the autumn equinox. Why?"

Ty Lee clapped. "That's so cool! That means that I'm..." Ty Lee counted on her fingers then looked up, hands showing two fingers. "Two weeks older than you! Can I call you Mei-Mei? That means little sister but it also has your name!"

Mei blushed. "Sure."

Ty Lee motioned to a few empty seats by the front of the class. "We can sit together!" She paused. "If you want to, I mean."

Azula shrugged, hiding her enthusiasm. "Sure. We can be friends." Friends. That sounded nice.

Azula was suddenly squeezed in a hug by Ty Lee, Mei squished up against her side. Azula awkwardly patted Ty Lee's back, face surely coloured red. "Thank you."

Ty Lee let go. "I'm just happy I have friends!"

It felt nice. Azula liked the concept of friends. Maybe, just maybe, she had some people who could impress her father. The servant's children weren't good enough for Father, and neither was Zuko. But Azula could tell, Mei and Ty Lee would be enough.

They would have to be.

-

Surprisingly, the first person who asked her about her day was Grandfather. Grandfather had liked her slightly more than Zuko, that was good. "Azula." She heard. She bowed.

"Hello, Fire Lord Azulon." She greeted. He motioned for her to rise.

"We're family, you may call me Grandfather. Walk with me." He walked with her, slowly so she could keep up. Azula followed slightly behind him. "How was your first day at the Academy?"

Azula quietly considered her answer. Finally, she settled on one. "It went well, I made two friends. Mei and Ty Lee." Grandfather hummed.

"Good," Grandfather stated, keeping his slow pace. "It's good for you to have friends." For a moment they walked in silence. The only sound was the tapping of feet on the tiled floor. "I'm concerned about your sister."

Azula frowned. "What do you mean?"

He sighed. "My son- your father- thinks that she doesn't have the spark, but I disagree. She's a with bender, a strong _emotional_ connection with her bending. Zuko simply hasn't progressed as quickly with her bending as you have." Grandfather chuckled dryly. "Then again, you are a prodigy, perhaps as strong as me."

Azula carefully considered her answer. "Father thought that Zuz- Zuko wasn't a bender for a while. She still has room for improvement, but it will take time."

Grandfather nodded, a hand stroking his beard. "Perhaps. Nothing did ever come from rushed efforts." Azula nodded. "I trust you will not tell anyone of this. Your sister needs confidence."

"My lips are sealed," Azula promised. They took on an air of comfortable silence as Azula's mind stewed over the words.

It was quite peculiar. Azula had barely spent time with Grandfather, he was usually busy with his duties and therefore wasn't allowed to spend much time with her. He was... different than Father. He seemed to care about some things that Father never cared about. Like if she _wanted_ things. Strange.

"You're going on a vacation." Grandfather's voice broke the quiet.

Azula tilted her head. "Why- When?" Azula knew better than to argue with a Fire Lord.

Grandfather stopped, and so did Azula. He turned towards her, kneeling down. "You need to have fun, all children do. You will be going on a vacation to Ember Island in two weeks."

Hiding her surprise, Azula nodded. "Yes, Grandfather."

He patted her shoulder, straightening up. "Go find your mother. I believe your uncle sent some tea for you to try."

-

Ursa set down the cup of tea. It was a lovely novelty flavour, Iroh was right for sending it to her. It was quite unfortunate that Iroh couldn't be there with all of them, and with his knack for making tea, he would have enjoyed sharing it with them. Ursa thought it was delicious. Zuko didn't seem to think so.

"It's just hot leaf juice! I don't like it." She cried after taking just one small sip, barely enough to get a taste.

Ursa looked up at the sound of footsteps. It was her youngest daughter, looking uncharacteristically nervous. Then again, she had never been 'nervous' before, there was just the slightest hesitation in her expression. Like she had done something that warranted her undeserving of belonging.

"Grandfather said that you had tea?" Azula asked, the picture of a perfect daughter.

Ursa nodded, before realizing exactly what Azula had said. She had spoken to Fire Lord Azulon? Her heart shot with anxiety. "I do."

Zuko brightened. "Lala! You can try it!" (Ursa felt a twinge of guilt for not remembering her youngest daughter.)

Azula sat down beside Zuko. "What is it?"

Ursa hesitated to pour a cup before Zuko simply gave her sister the cup, still brimming with tea. "It's tea Uncle gave us!" The lisp of Zuko's childhood was still almost present, Zuko had to hesitate before saying the words but after many hours and months of practice, it was going well.

Azula took a tentative sip. Smacking her lips she finally settled on an opinion. "It's okay." Ursa wondered how to start the conversation, and tried to keep her face casual.

"What did Fire Lord Azulon say to you?" Ursa asked.

"He asked me how my day at school was, and then he said that we're going on vacation to Ember Island." Azula said pleasantly.

Zuko brightened at the mention of Ember Island. "I love Ember Island! Mamma, can we see the Ember Island Players? I wan'ta make fun of them again!"

Ursa smiled with mirth. "I'm sure we'll enjoy it." But her traitorous mind said otherwise. Her father-in-law had something planned. Ursa just hoped that it wasn't something that would harm her children.

-

"Azula." Father greeted.

Azula bowed to him before shifting into a similar position as when she had talked to Grandfather. "Father."

"How was your day at school?"

Azula considered her answer. "I met two girls at school, Mei and Ty Lee."

"Their social status?" He raised a brow.

Thank Agni she had found out. "Ty Lee is the daughter of a noble family, and Mei is the daughter of the vice-governor of the capital's city-state."

Ozai nodded. "They are temporary enough to be good friends. They should not distract you from your studies, you are the future of the Fire Nation."

Azula nodded. "I understand."

"Good." And Azula thought the conversation would end there. "You're hiding something from me." He suddenly stated.

Azula squashed down the fear that bubbled up within her. "I..."

Father narrowed his eyes at her. "Tell me the truth."

"I talked with Grandfather." She confessed, praying to Agni that it would be enough.

"About what?"

"School."

Father frowned. "You're lying."

Azula started to protest but Father didn't want to hear it. He grabbed her arm. She tried not to flinch or cry or-

"Father! Father!" A stupidly familiar voice said. Father slowly released her arm, turning to face Zuzu in the doorway. "There's some tea left over, Mama wanted me to ask if you wanted any..." Zuzu just wouldn't stop rambling, wouldn't just shut up.

Azula glared at Zuko. _Stop! Don't you see you're going to get in trouble?!_ She prayed Zuko would see that she was going to get in trouble if she didn't stop talking? But stupid stupid Zuzu didn't stop.

"Zuko." Father's stern voice cut into Zuzu's ramble. He suddenly got a _look_ on his face as he smiled. "Azula, explain what you were saying to Fire Lord Azulon?"

Azula scrambled to respond as best she could without showing how terrified she was, for herself and Zuzu. "I was just talking about school and vacation-"

"You're lying," Father said calmly. Like it was a fact. But wasn't it a fact? Azula was lying to keep her promise, there shouldn't be any secrets between herself and Father... He turned to Zuzu. "See? Azula always lies. Say it." He commanded.

"Azula always lies," Zuzu repeated dutifully. Was it just Azula's brain playing tricks or was he hesitant in his response? Azula didn't know.

But Father's word was the truth. Azula's perceptions were also true.

She would have to decide which voice to listen to.

-

Zuko laid back in bed. They hadn’t been able to stop thinking about yesterday. Azula got in trouble, but Zuko hoped that they had gotten there before Azula got in trouble. Normally they wouldn't interrupt but nothing had really happened so they assumed it was safe to do so.

Eugh. Gender. That was something that was on their mind a lot. They might be a boy? He? She? Screw that.

"Azula always lies." The words rolled like a rock or hard candy in their mouth, something either to spit out or something that they would have to let melt until it was all they could taste.

The solution felt easy, something to slap onto everything she did and ignore the rest. Azula always lies unless the truth hurts more. Father would be right like he always was.

But.

Azula didn't lie that often. She didn't break her promises. Zuko didn't know if they were wrong or Father was right. Azula didn't relate to people or understand how they felt like Zuko did but Azula understood that some things made people feel bad so she simply didn't do that. Like how she took the badly-textured foods, found excuses so Zuko didn't have to wear the clothes that felt _wrong_ , how Azula tried to make Zuko feel better in her own way.

Father knew better, he was often proved right. It was wrong of Zuko to be so doubtful of Father. It was wrong of Zuko to view Father as a universal truth.

Zuko didn't know what to think.

"Zuzu!" Azula called from the doorway, not bothering to knock.

Zuko groaned. "I told you to stop calling me that!"

Azula rolled her eyes. “It’s dinner time, dum-dum.”

“I’ll be there!”

“Uh, yeah, that’s the point.”

“You know what I mean!”

-

The boat ride was horrible. Azula didn't know what sea-sickness was before but she definitely knew now. The whole time Zuzu was complaining, complaining, complaining about anything and everything under the sun _and_ the sun. The whole time Father was yelling. The whole time Mother was silent. Azula hated boats, so when she saw the sandy shores of Ember Island, she nearly went overboard in her joy.

"Look! Look! Ember Island!" Zuzu finally stopped her whining to point excitedly at the shores approaching. Mother and Father stopped their bickering to turn to the island. It was warm, not a cloud in the skies; perfect weather.

When they touched down on the beaches, Father told them to "run free" and that he would be working back at the beach house.

This is when two strangers arrived. Azula pointed up at the old fat guy with a brown beard. "Who are you?"

Mother laughed, it was a forced thing, folded down Azula's arm. "That's your Uncle Iroh," she chided. Azula could hear the subtext, she would be lectured about this. She could not find it within herself to care.

Azula frowned. "You're short."

Uncle Iroh laughed heartily. "I'm not _that_ short, you're short too!"

Azula stood up straight. "I'm growing! You have already grown!"

Uncle Iroh shrugged. "You have a point."

The second stranger, a woman with dark skin and curly grey hair held out a hand to shake. She had to bend down to do so, as she was taller than Uncle Iroh. "I'm your Aunt Jasmine." Her hands were rough yet soft and warm. Aunt Jasmine was much better than Uncle Iroh, she smelled nicer.

Another stranger walked up, this one was considerably younger than Uncle Iroh and taller. Azula pointed at him. "Who are you?"

Zuzu ran up and mirrored Azula's stance. "Yeah! Who are you?"

This stranger smiled, bending down to Azula and Zuzu's level to wave at them. "I'm your cousin, Lu Ten." On one hand, Azula was offended that he would bend down and not treat her like an adult, but on the other, it was quite nice to be at face level with him.

Zuzu shook her head. "No, Lu Ten doesn't look like you."

Allegedly Lu Ten rolled his eyes. "I grew a beard, that's why."

Azula shook her head. "That's not a beard. That's only part a beard."

Lu Ten gasped in mock offence. "It's growing in!"

Azula huffed. "I guess. Okay, we need a nickname for you."

Zuzu and Lu Ten weren't offering any ideas, so it was up to Azula to decide. It was easy to come up with Zuzu's, so that meant that Azula was a genius nickname-maker. Finally, the answer popped into her head.

"Lulu!" Azula decided.

Zuko frowned. "Why not Ten-ten?" Oh, so _now_ he had nickname suggestions.

Azula rolled her eyes. Zuko was a dum-dum. "Because! It's like Lala and Zuzu combined. Lulu!"

Lu Ten chuckled. "That works for me."

"I'll leave you to it." Uncle Iroh said, taking Aunt Jasmine's arm, and went to the umbrella that Mother had set up, probably to talk about the weather or whatever old people did in their spare time.

Lulu stood up, almost unsure of what to do. Azula clapped. "Let's play tag!" She announced.

"Who's gonna be it?"

Azula frowned. "Dum-dum, _I'm_ it! You're too slow to be it!"

Lulu wasn't convinced. "I'm pretty fast."

Azula started counting on her fingers. "Well, you've never seen me run! I'm gonna count now."

Zuzu took off. Lu Ten jogged to the umbrella. "I'm coming for you!" She went after Lulu, getting him easily. "Tag! You're it!" She ran away, not looking back.

Azula found Zuzu not too far away. "Lulu's it, run!"

Azula looked behind her, almost willing to bet that Lulu was still by the umbrella. She was wrong.

"Run!" She cried, running away from Lulu, who was nearly on them.

Unfortunately, Lulu was _very_ fast. Unfortunately, he was also very strong. "Got you!" He announced before picking up Zuzu and Azula up by the ankles, dangling them upside down. They both shrieked in partial delight.

"Let me down! Let me down!" Azula cried. Lu Ten set both of them down.

Zuzu spat out sand. Azula crossed her arms. "No more tag with you. Only hide-n-seek."

Lulu shrugged. "Fine by me."

-

Like all good things in her life, the vacation came to an end. Ursa was not impressed with Ozai. Her husband was argumentative, not eager to spend time with his older brother on the vacation. It was only when they had said their farewells and boarded the boat that Ozai finally calmed. He was withdrawn, unwilling to talk with anyone.

Ursa was silently appreciative of less time with her husband. Her children didn't notice. Jasmine was on the boat with them, she was spending time in the Fire Nation to deal with the politics of the siege of Ba Sing Se. Ursa saw something, though. The same glint in her eyes that Ursa herself possessed. Neither was truly happy with their marriage. Ursa couldn't conceptualize _why_ but she could relate.

So when she saw Jasmine, she offered her support hidden in innocuous words. And when they arrived at the Fire Nation, Ursa arranged for Jasmine to have a room as far from herself and Ozai and her children as possible, which also meant she would be far away from Fire Lord Azulon. If she was planning to escape as Ursa could only dream of, Ursa would need plausible deniability, and Jasmine would need the lesser surveillance.

So Ursa did not think of Jasmine, would not go out of her way to speak to her. It was best for both of them.

-

"C'mon, Zuzu, you can do it. It's easy!" Ursa watched as her younger daughter ran over the katas with Zuko.

"I'm _trying_." Zuko ran the kata again, this time a little smoother. Ursa swelled with pride. Her little turtleduckling was doing so well. "It's not _my_ fault you're so good at firebending!"

Azula crossed her arms, pouting. She was the spitting image of her father in everything but appearance (in that case she took after Ursa). "I'm almost 7 years old and I'm better at firebending than you! You're just a loser and a dis'pointment, just like Father says," Azula stated like it was a fact. Ursa's heart ached. Poor child, Ursa would have to talk with her later.

Zuko frowned. "Azula, that's mean!"

Azula sighed. "It's easy to do! Let me show you..."

Ursa walked away. They would get better. Azula would have to.

-

Azula was drilling her katas again, flames arcing above her head and swooping down blow in perfect execution. Her teachers at the academy said she was a prodigy, one of the most powerful firebenders they had seen in all the years they'd been teaching. Father said she was okay.

At least she wasn't like Zuzu.

It was, if Azula was being honest, a boring time. She found no enjoyment, it wasn't the same practicing alone as it was when Ty Lee was watching.

Azula heard Zuko before she spoke up. "Azula?" Zuko was fiddling with the hem of her shirt.

Azula frowned and looked up. She _had_ been meaning to try out a new firebending move, and Zuz was a perfect target. "What is it?"

"I'm... I'm not..." She was turned away from Azula.

Azula groaned. "Spit it out! I'm busy!" (Lie, but it would get Zuko to go away.)

"I'm a boy, not a girl!" Zuko whisper-shouted then flinched away. 

Oh. Azula was surprised but quickly hid her expression. She quickly rearranged her mental vocabulary to refer to Zuko as her brother and a boy. "Is that it?" She pondered, putting a finger to her chin. "I _did_ always want a brother. Lu Ten doesn't visit nearly often enough. Agni, what's that!" She shouted, pointing to nothing behind Zuko's shoulder. Oldest trick in the book.

He turned sharply round, predictably falling for it completely and wholly. "What's what?"

Using her new kata, she shot fire at Zuko's back. Predictably, he shouted.

"Azula!" He slapped his hands on the fire, and it quickly went out. Hmm, Azula had to work on that still. Then again, she did only just learn it that day.

"Sorry, Zuzu, you're still my dumb baby brother."

"I'm older than you!" He protested.

Azula shrugged. "Made you look."

-

Grandfather called an audience with Azula. Alone. Azula was slightly suspicious, more parts terrified.

Azula bowed. "Grandfather." She kept the shakiness out of her voice. Yesterday when Zuko had told her that... she prayed to Agni that if Grandfather knew, then he'd react favourably.

"Rise, Azula." Azula rose, rising to a straight-backed stance, feet planted firmly into the floor. "Is it true what I have heard about Zuko?"

Azula's breath caught in her throat. "What exactly have you heard?"

Grandfather hm'd. "Interesting that you would be so quick to protect your brother."

Azula's rapid thought process, a well-oiled machine, ground to a halt at 'brother'. She watched carefully at Grandfather, trying to get a glimpse of his expression past the shadows of the flames around him.

"If Zuko can not be a powerful bender, perhaps he can be a suitable male heir." Grandfather continued.

Azula relaxed the slightest bit.

Grandfather stood. Azula flinched, just enough that she could smooth her face down before Grandfather even blinked. Shame, she thought she had squashed those traitorous instincts. Grandfather was not Father. "One of the servants told me, it is a shame that my grandson could not find it in himself to tell me in person."

Azula rushed (as subtly as she could) to protect her brother. "Perhaps he has not gotten around to telling you, you know how he is. His brain is scattered, he only told me yesterday afternoon. I doubt he has even gotten around to telling Mother."

Grandfather seemed to accept the explanation, but one could never be so sure. Grandfather was... difficult. He never yelled, his anger was quieter but no less dangerous. He never hit her even out of punishment. He gave her gifts. It was... strange. He wasn't _normal_ like Father was. Perhaps it was the generational difference. "Then I expect he will tell me _soon_. I hate to creep around my own family like a _thief_." Grandfather's voice interrupted her thoughts. She pushed down the urge to shift her stance. Was it just her or were the flames getting hotter? Was it a trick of the light or had the shadows of the room exaggerated? It was only then that Azula realized the danger she was in. "You are dismissed."

Azula bowed once more, before leaving the room. She knocked once on the door, and the guards let her out. The cool air of the palace hit her face.

That was the first time she realized not everyone could be trusted.

-

"Azula." Her father spoke from his study. He had requested she come to him for a conversation.

Oh no, that tone never meant anything good.

" _What_ exactly is your sister calling herself now?"

Azula froze. For once her stupid stupid brain couldn't come up with an answer. The only thing left was the truth. "A prince."

Father frowned. "I have always known that your sister was a disappointment, but this is treason."

Azula hid her confusion. Father continued. "When I become Fire Lord I will remove her from the succession. You," he grabbed Azula by the collar of her shirt with one hand, dragging her until she could feel his breath on her face. The other hand rolled up her sleeve and placed his thumb near the crook of her elbow. Azula's heart beat faster, and all she could do was keep her firebending from burning Ozai, which would get her in even worse trouble. "You will not breathe a _word_ of this to Azulon or Zuko or anyone, **do you understand**?" He growled.

"Yes, Father," Azula said quickly, repressing the urge to cry. She kept her face blank, it would be better than to be yelled at.

"Do you understand?" he growled again, and she felt Father burn her arm. It was a reminder. Azula nodded.

"I understand." She whimpered.

He tossed her down. "Leave me."

Azula scrambled to her feet. "Yes, Father." She left the room.

Inhale, exhale. Push down the fear, the confusion, the anger, but don't lose it. Let it fuel your fire for next time.

"Azula?" Azula looked up. Oh, it was Aunt Jasmine. She seemed concerned. Well, it was quite late and Azula wasn't in bed.

"Hello, Aunt Jasmine." Azula inclined her head politely.

Aunt Jasmine knelt, opening her arms. Azula paused, unsure of what to do. Aunt Jasmine scooped Azula into her arms, picking her up. "It's past your bedtime, flower-bud." Azula was too old to be carried, but it felt... nice. Nice like when Mother shared tea, like when Father praised her, like when Zuko acted out parts of plays with her. Like home.

"Father wanted to talk to me," she said as an explanation. Azula leaned into Aunt Jasmine's embrace. She never saw Aunt Jasmine much, but when she did, Aunt Jasmine usually prepared food for her, and she actually let Azula help. It felt nice to be wanted, to be needed.

"Hm, your father shouldn't keep you up so late." Aunt Jasmine shifted Azula. She was warm and smelled nice, like flowers. Her robes were soft like the sheets of her bedroom and the curly streaked-grey hair that fell over her shoulder served as a nice pillow. Aunt Jasmine walked in silence for a moment before humming, and Azula felt the vibrations in Aunt Jasmine's chest. "I remember when I was able to carry your cousin, Lu Ten, like this."

Azula felt safe enough to close her eyes, letting her breaths grow steadier. "But he's so tall," she mumbled.

Aunt Jasmine seemed reminiscent, almost sad, but her voice stayed light. "He was once your size, didn't even come up to Iroh's shoulder."

Azula yawned. "Weird."

And with those few words, Azula was lulled to sleep.

-

Jasmine continued walking, waiting for Azula to respond. She glanced at the child, who had gone still, breaths even. Oh, Azula was asleep. It _was_ late, especially for a child. Jasmine doubted that Azula would want to be woken only to walk the long distance of the hallway back to her room. She sighed. The struggles of aunt-hood.

Jasmine carried the Fire Princess the whole distance of the long hallway until they were at Azula's room. The door was heavy, and Jasmine thanked the passing servant for seeing the situation and opening it for them. It was almost comical how despite Azula being a prodigy at firebending, perhaps one of the most terrifying children she'd seen, but just a few minutes in 'Aunt Jasmine's' arms, and she was sound asleep.

The room was dark, but there was enough light from the hallway to see the large bed. Offhandedly, Jasmine felt pity for Azula to have so much bed space, the loneliness was a feeling she knew well. Jasmine smiled at the sleeping Azula, who almost wouldn't let go of her arm.

She gently laid Azula into her bed, making sure none of the blankets were stuck beneath her. Her eyes had adjusted to the low light enough to see something on her forearm, only showing because her sleeve was rolled up. A thumb-sized burn.

Jasmine's heart broke and anger flared, but she smoothed the latter down. Now was not the time for anger. "Oh, flower-bud." She rolled the sleeve down, concealing the burn, but that could not remove the image from her mind. Jasmine put the blankets on the sleeping child, who was utterly unaware of the struggle within Jasmine.

"Goodnight, Azula." She whispered.

She left the room, closing the door behind her.

-

"Zula!" Ty Lee cheered. "Do it again!"

Azula flushed. "It's really not that cool." She dismissed. Ty Lee huffed in mock annoyance.

"Please? For me?" She pleaded. Azula blushed furiously.

"Fine." Azula smiled. Bracing herself, she spun into the new firebending move she had learned, the backflip was a bit difficult but she landed on her feet.

Ty Lee clapped. "That looks great!!" She suddenly bounded forward, hugging Azula tightly, face next to Azula's. Azula was now absolutely sure that Ty Lee could feel the heat in her face.

"Thank you." Why did Azula feel bashful? She _was_ one of the greatest firebenders of her time, and Ty Lee was just a friend! Azula chose to listen to her (rapidly beating) heart, and gave in to the nice warm feeling Ty Lee gave her.

"Azula." The sharp voice of her father cut through her like a razor blade. Fear chased away any trace of that warm feeling from before, and Azula jumped away from Ty Lee.

"Prince Ozai." Ty Lee pulled away and bowed. Azula was fixated on Ozai's burning eyes. 

"I think it's time you go home. Go find Lady Ursa, she can contact your parents."

"Yes, Prince Ozai." Ty Lee bowed once more, sneaking a glance at Azula as she left. Azula was alone with Ozai now. Her heart seized with fear as Father shot a hand towards her.

"You will not _talk_ to Ty Lee like that anymore." Father gripped Azula tightly on the shoulder.

Azula felt ashamed and almost angry. "Why not-?!" She started.

Ozai slapped her across the face. It stung. Azula blinked back the pain-tears. Princesses don't cry. Azula wouldn't cry. "Don't talk back to me like that, you understand?" He growled.

"Yes, Father." She responded evenly. There was no trace of disrespect in her voice, nor was there any in her head.

"You are not to talk to Ty Lee or show her that... 'trick' again. That is an order." Ozai stated. There was no lenience now, if she did it again it would be breaking an explicitly stated rule. Azula shoved down the disappointment and instead focused on her answer.

"Yes, Father."

He turned away from her, finally releasing the vicelike grip on her shoulder. "I expect not to hear of any more _incidents_ in the future, or there will be consequences." He walked away, leaving Azula with a burning face. This time it wasn't from a blush. She put a hand on her face, dragging the fingers down, almost in awe of the burning sensation, how the skin still felt so smooth. It was the left side of her face.

Azula would be better than this in the future.

-

"'Zula! Mei-Mei! Over here!" Ty Lee whisper-shouted. Mei turned from where she was reading. Azula went over.

"What do you want?" Mei frowned.

Ty Lee motioned toward Mei, and the other girl finally came over. Azula frowned. "What am I supposed to be seeing."

Ty Lee motioned for them to huddle together. "Look here." Down below was a small nest of red-backed rabbit kittens. Azula remembered learning about them in her animal class. The babies were born blind and furless. "It's too dangerous for them to be here, the servents will get rid of them!"

Azula frowned. She didn't like having her friend be in distress. Azula didn't _want_ the kittens to be hurt but she was more indifferent than anything. Still, she was _not_ indifferent to her friend being sad. "I'll come up with something."

Mei looked down. "Maybe we can put them outside?"

Azula shook her head. "The father was found already. We need to get them in a forest that isn't here." That was when the idea struck her. "You both will have to stay here for a sleepover."

"Why?" Mei asked, her tone masked with boredom.

Azula smiled. "Because you both are going to sneak them out of the capital."

-

The morning came, and the plan was in place. Mei and Ty Lee would take the babies and mother out of the capital, and Azula would distract everyone. Phase one was a go.

Azula made her way over to the servants of the courtyard. "Why are you working so much here?" She asked.

"Well-" The servant started.

"The fountain courtyard is dirty. Why aren't you cleaning it?" Azula interrupted.

One of the servants paused. "Wait has anyone actually been there lately?"

"Oh sh- Thank you, Princess Azula. We will take care of that immediately." The servants turned around, making their way over to the fountain courtyard. Azula scanned the area for any stragglers. None.

"Mei, Ty Lee!" She called. The babies were still there, and with a great stroke of luck so was the mother. Ty Lee took the mother into her arms, shushing it. Mei took the babies into a bag that Ty Lee and Azula had lined with feathers from a spare pillow the night before. They seemed to be comfortable.

Mei and Ty Lee's parents wouldn't be there for at least until noon, they had a few hours to find a safe place for them. Azula had snuck out of the capital once through the servant's tunnels, so that was their exit route. Phase two began. It had been pathetically easy to make it through the servants' tunnels, no one stopped them. Azula would have to contact surveillance about that in the future, someone could easily get in and out of the palace with no resistance at all. Then again, it could be useful for Azula.

The tunnels were dark and dry. One would think that they would be lit by some sort of flame, but these tunnels were rarely used, only occasionally for emergencies. Azula _could_ have lit a flame but it would serve no use at the moment.

"This tunnel's kind of dark." Ty Lee murmured, leaning closer to Mei and Azula.

Immediately, Azula lit her fire, a strong, burning white edging on something else. (She didn't notice how she didn't get angry, how the fire was fueled by something else.) She kept the flame small but bright, she could extinguish it quicker that way. Well, if Ty Lee wanted light Azula would give it to her. Only to stop her from complaining. Totally.

"Thanks!" Ty Lee whisper-shouted. Azula could see the daylight from behind one of the doors, that would be their exit.

"Here! There's a forested section right up ahead, be quick." Azula warned. Mei and Ty Lee nodded, going out while Azula kept guard. She listened intently, only the occasional outside rustle.

After a few minutes, they emerged. "Let's go!" Ty Lee whisper-shouted. Azula glanced around the hallway, keeping the flame bright, before motioning for them to all dash down the hallway.

The girls made their way to the open, running and giggling the entire way. No one had suspected a thing, such was the genius of their plan. Even Mother hadn’t noticed!

The mission was a success.

-

Ursa frowned. She inspected the tree trunk again. "Azula?"

"Yes, Mother?" Her youngest responded.

"Do you know where the animals here went?" She asked and prayed to Agni.

Azula tilted her head. "I took care of them. You won't see them again."

Ursa's heart sunk, and she glared. "Very well, that's all," she snapped, wanting to get _Azula_ out of her sight as quickly as possible as she processed what she had just admitted to.

"Okay." The _murderer_ responded. "Goodbye, Mother!" Azula walked away.

Ursa sat in shock. "Oh, Agni." She muttered. Oh, Agni indeed.

-

Ursa sat sewing again. She had a long day, tending to the children and the minor duties of politics had been tedious. Ursa simply wanted to tuck her children into bed and then rest for the night. Again her heart ached for a different life, one where she never left. Perhaps it could have been better if Azula was Ikem's child instead of Ozai's.

"My wife." Ozai greeted. That was dangerous. On good nights he would simply come to her chamber to say goodnight before leaving. On bad nights was when they shared the bed when he felt that he needed to keep her so she could not betray her. As if she didn't know how he had his ways with the servants. As if somehow _she_ was the betrayer instead of the betrayed. As if she was the one who was ruining the marriage that was never meant to be.

"My husband." Ursa greeted. She focused on her sewing.

"Are you staying in your chambers tonight?" He asked as if Ursa had any say in where she would be staying. She knew why. Ozai was going to bed another poor girl and didn't want her interrupting.

"Yes."

He walked into the room, sitting on her bed. "You are sure?"

"Of course."

For a moment all was quiet. Ozai was contemplative. This could very quickly become a very bad evening.

"Be good to me." She silently begged of him.

"What?" Oh _fuck_ she had said that out loud

Ursa paused. "Nothing, dear," She said.

Ozai stood. "I am off to bed. Good night."

"Good night."

-

“Mama?” Her son said. They had been quiet, Zuko had been unwilling to talk much that day, instead choosing to hum and tap the ground as he watched the turtleducks.

She looked up from her scroll, another fantasy-fiction. “Yes, dear?”

“Where does the rain come from?”

Ursa smiled. “Well, it’s quite genius. What Agni does is he spins the clouds out of water and air like fabric and squeezes them until the water’s out!” She used one arm to imitate the water falling.

Zuko frowned. “But wouldn’t the rain just flood the world?”

“Well that’s where Agni is genius, he takes the water from the oceans and ponds, that’s why the puddles dry.” She explained. That was how her mother had taught her, even though it wasn't true.

Zuko huffed. “My science teachers said the water eva-corated and then fell down.”

Ursa rolled her eyes in mock annoyance. “Same thing. I believe the word you wanted was ‘evaporated’.”

“You’re right.” He went back to his tapping and humming. Ursa went back to her scroll. She wasn’t particularly interested in the story and would probably never read it again, but it was tedious enough to be entertaining. She knew how it would end, but the miscommunication was just frustrating enough to keep her hooked.

“Mama?” Zuko asked again, quieter this time.

“Yes, turtleduckling?” Ursa looked up from the scroll.

“Is Father right?”

Ursa felt her heart break. Oh, sweet child... “About what?”

“Me. That I shouldn’t be a boy even though I am.” Zuko’s tapping sped up.

Ursa put down the scroll. She wrapped Zuko in a hug. “Oh, my turtleduckling, you should never, _never_ apologize for who you are. Things are changing and I know it’s hard for you.” Zuko nodded vigorously despite being in a hug. “I will never stop protecting you. Everything I’ve done is to protect you. Remember this, no matter how things may seem to change, never forget who you are.”

Zuko nodded. “I promise.”

Ursa released Zuko from her embrace. “Pinky promise?” She stuck out a pinkie.

Zuko took it. “Pinky promise.”

-

Ursa was nearly done with her latest sewing project, a cover for the cushion on her reading chair. It had been wearing down for some time, and the project was something small to occupy her time. Technically she could have gotten someone else to do it, but it was tedious enough to be entertaining. Someone entered the room.

“Mother.” Azula greeted.

“Azula.” Ursa responded. She focused on her sewing. "Be good to me." She muttered.

"What?"

"Nothing."

Azula sat close to Ursa. They were silent. Azula was thinking of something, and Ursa honestly didn't want to hear it.

"Mother?" It was a question.

"Yes?" Ursa answered, not looking up.

"Was it a lie?" Azula had the _audacity_ to be accusatory.

Ursa exhaled. "About what? Azula, you need to be more specific if you want people to understand you," she snapped. "You bully your brother, you don't care about what people say, you _hurt_ people." She exhaled sharply. She was frustrated, it had been a long day and Azula was not making it better. "You never spend time with anyone except to put them down, you're caught up in yourself." She narrowed her eyes at Azula, who was utterly unbothered by this. "You aren't even listening." She sighed. "I'm wasting my breath."

"Mother-"

"I don't want to hear it." Ursa went back to her sewing.

Azula stood, bowing shortly. "Goodnight, Mother."

"Go to bed," Ursa said.

The door was shut behind Azula.

She wasn't wrong. Ursa admitted to herself that saying that was cruel, but Azula needed to accept the obvious. There would be nothing to discuss. She didn't normally act like this, but the _anger_ that had coloured her after seeing every little thing Azula had done had reared its ugly face, making itself known. Ursa put down her sewing. It was getting late.

-

Ursa felt so stupid as to not see it earlier. Azula, the blazing star that she was, was not _good_. It was horrible, she was so angry and disappointed with her younger daughter. She didn't... give up, per se, but she mourned what could have been, she grieved the loss of humanity from her daughter. If only Azula had taken after herself such as Zuko had, instead of having the same evil that Ozai had festering in his heart.

The signs were small at first. Azula throwing rocks at the turtleducks. The small animals that disappeared. The "mistakes" she made when firebending that "accidentally" hit her brother. Azula was not a good child.

Azula couldn't find it within herself to care about others, only _using_ people for her personal gain. A manipulator like her father.

She loved her daughter.

But sometimes it felt like she was convincing herself of that.

A mother's love was something given unconditionally, but by Agni above did she hate Azula sometimes. She was cruel and unforgiving, thoughtless of how her comments affected Zuko, with no sympathy for other's pain. Her friends, Mei and Ty Lee, even saw what she was doing.

"You're a monster." The words dropped from her lips without her meaning. She tried so loud to love her daughter, but she never seemed to hear. She never loved back.

Azula seemed... reigned. Like she somehow _knew_ what Ursa had been thinking, and all she was waiting for was it to be confirmed. She was struck with the horror of what she had said, it racked her with guilt to see a look on her daughter, the daughter she _loved_ \- "I know, Mother."

Ursa could have fixed it. She could have held her in her arms, tried harder, even _tried_ at all.

But she was a coward.

She turned away.

-

Mother had her all wrong.

Azula knew that something was wrong, something always was. She wasn't normal. Maybe she didn't want to be. It was horrible, though, to never be enough, to constantly be compared to someone who never had to try.

Zuko might have been a bonfire, warm and... safe. He was always there, effortlessly and constantly being _enough_. But Azula? No, Azula was a lightning cloud. There was thunder in her lungs as she screamed out into the world, let it be known of her presence. She was above them all, a monstrous and terrifying thing. She was lightning.

Mother had always hated the rain, after all. It was fitting, in a sick sort of way, that Azula had always become what her mother hated. Zuko was always the apple of Mother's eye. He was always a mirror, always admired, always reflecting what people wanted. And Azula was a stained glass window. Showy as she was, she was but was nothing but pretty trash.

She hated Zuko for that. She hated Zuko. And that was why Mother was right.

Azula really was nothing but a monster.

-

Azula remembered with blinding clarity the day she first bent lightning. She was practicing the circular movements, focusing on the feeling she had read about in her books. It felt alive, and something was thrumming through her veins. Something was waiting. It had always been there, but now it was awake.

She didn't realize what she was doing until it was already zapping into the sky.

A bolt of lightning, as shocking blue as the aquamarine oceans on Ember Island. It was as cold as Mother. It was as burning as Azula's lungs. It was as harsh as Father.

But Azula had never felt so powerful, nor more alive.

For a moment it was quiet, the skies had been turning grey with promised rain, it was the middle of summer. And then a rolling boom of thunder rumbled, shaking Azula to her very core. She felt it in her chest. That thunder was her own creation.

Mother had often told Azula stories about the gods. Azula had never understood why lightning or thunder was so... powerful. Fire had always been the element of power, while water was the element of change. Thunder was always loud and proud, as she had seen heard her bedroom window. Lightning was always a force of destruction, it always was alive enough to destroy anything it touched. But the rain was quiet, only a hindrance to everyday life.

But now Azula understood what it was to be the rain. To always be falling, to never be something someone enjoyed. Always a necessary bother. Azula understood what it was to be lightning, so powerful beyond her control. Azula understood what it was to be thunder, always screaming at the world.

She stared up at the sky in awe as little droplets of rain fell down from the storming clouds. Did she do that? Was she so powerful as to start the rain?

"Azula!" She broke from her spell. Zuko was rubbing his robes. "You singed me!"

Azula rolled her eyes. "You're just jealous!" The rain was falling faster now but Azula could not care less.

"I'm gonna get you!" Zuko ran after her in play, and Azula ran away, happy to have Zuko chase. She would get him back. She always would.

And for a moment, she was a child. Even though she had just shot lightning at 8 years old, she felt like she could take on the world, she felt overwhelmingly _free_.

If only she could have been so lucky as to stay that way.

-

"Azula, wake up."

Azula awoke to being shaken by a gentle hand. "Wha'... Mother?" Azula blinked in surprise. Mother barely spent time with her, it made no sense that she would start now. Even at... Azula looked around, it was the middle of the night. She could see the moon shining through her window. Mother pulled Azula's attention back to her.

Mother had a cloak on, a travelling cloak. "I'm sorry, Azula, my beautiful daughter." Azula frowned.

"Mother, where are you go-" She started to speak but Mother cut her off.

"I don't have much time, I'm leaving." She stated. With those words, Azula felt her heart sink. It was Azula's fault, she was the reason Mother had to do this. It had do be, but that didn't stop her from voicing her surprise.

"What?! Mother-?!"

Mother put a hand on her shoulder. "Be quiet, everything will change now. I'll be okay, stay safe, I know you can do it."

Azula was terrified now. "What do you mean, Mother, what do I need to do-"

"Survive." Mother was solemn. More serious than Azula had ever seen. This couldn't be it. But something in Azula knew it was the truth. Mother was leaving. But another, louder, part of her wouldn't accept it.

"Mother?! What are you doing-" Azula was so confused and scared and _where was she going-?_ "Mother don't leave me!"

Mother put a hand over Azula's mouth, silencing her. She removed it ever so gently. Why did this seem like goodbye? Ursa cupped Azula's face into her hands. "I know you're strong enough to do this on your own."

If only she was.

Mother rose. Azula screamed. She screamed and screamed because _maybe_ that would make her stay, _maybe_ it would stop her from leaving. Maybe it could keep her from abandoning her just like Father said everyone would. Maybe it would keep Azula from being alone with the monster that was her father.

That was the last time Azula saw her mother.

(Maybe if she hadn't been screaming, maybe she could have heard the whispered promise "Just because I'm leaving doesn't mean that I'm gone.")

-

Azula didn't want to believe it. Not at all.

But Father had told her. Father had told her. No. _Ozai_ had told her how he murdered her mother and her sibling and her grandfather. Azula... Azula was 8 years old maybe when it happened. Lu Ten had just died. Grandfather had just been murder. Mother had just been murdered. And Zuko... Zuko had passed away.

Azula did not know how to cope, for all the things she had dealt with, she did not know how to cope with this.

And as if it couldn't get worse, Azula was told that Ozai was taking her with him for her own protection.

Azula had prided herself on her memory for a long time. And, if she was being honest with herself- _"Azula always lies"_ \- she could not remember the two years after that. She remembered blurs. Words, the first whisper when no one else was in the room. She remembered tending to her own wounds. She remembered wounding others, faceless creatures that Ozai said needed to be wounded. Needed to be murd-

Then the second anniversary of Zuko's death. Azula hadn't even noticed that two years passed. She was a narcissist, she knew it, but she felt guilty for not remembering. Then she felt terror for not noticing how two full years had passed. How could she not _remember-_

That was when it started.

Azula hadn't been able to sleep that night. Her sleep schedule had been off-kilter for a long time, she had learned to deal with it.

In the corner of her room, she saw her brother. Her dead brother.

At first, she was terrified. She must have been going crazy. She was just as bad as everyone said she was.

But then Zuko waved and smiled. Azula tensed. He walked over to her. His face was scarred just how Father had described. Burned. Flesh melted in a handprint. But she wasn't scared. He wouldn't hurt her, not like Ozai did.

Zuko was her big brother after all.

-

Logically, Azula knew that Zuko was a hallucination. He never spoke (the other voices were always so loud but just like how he was in life, Zuko was silent). He was always there (not like Mother, not like Mei, not like Ty Lee-). Sometimes Azula squinted her eyes, and Zuko stayed clear despite everything else being blurry. She wanted to yell at him, all the time. Once she almost did, but it was too dangerous for Ozai to find out. All she hoped was that Ozai couldn't see Zuko too. Zuko still never said anything. That wasn't a problem.

What was a problem was that he never said anything to _her_.

-

She knew that he wouldn't be there forever, and the day he disappeared was hard on Azula. She was surrounded by people who were affiliated with Ozai. In a strange sort of way, it was nice to have someone close to her own age with her. They were constantly travelling, Azula didn't have the opportunity to make friends. Not like she was friends with Mei and Ty Lee. Azula missed them a lot. Sometimes she thought she heard them, but they blended in with the other voices.

Azula didn't know what was wrong with her.

-

If Azula had to rate the hallucination that was the worst, it would have to be the one that she saw of Mother. She was brushing her hair. Father never spent a lot of time with her, come to think of it no one spent a lot of time with her, but it was fine. She could still be presentable. She had to be presentable. (She had to be worth it, she had to be more than whatever she was-)

Then...

Mother had always seemed so sad when she looked at Azula.

She looked sad now in her reflection.

"How could you leave me here?!" She would have screamed. "You were supposed to keep me safe, you were supposed to be a mother!" She would have told Ursa.

But she held her tongue. Ursa never liked it when she yelled.

So instead she lashed out. She threw the hairbrush against the wall. It didn't break, which in hindsight was good, but Azula wanted it to. She craved for destruction.

"I hate you." She whispered to the reflection in the mirror. "I hate you."

She didn't know who she was talking to.

-

Father was always watching her, he had eyes in every room. Azula always knew better. She sat in corners, every exit carefully watched. Her back was never to a window. 

She checked her meals for poison every time they were served to her. She didn't eat unless everyone else had. Someone was messing with her. She could have sworn that she hadn't moved that. What she couldn't stand most of all was what Ozai did. Kept planting the seeds of hope then ripping it away. Telling her she was the perfect daughter ( _why did that word hurt-_ ), that all he wanted was her happiness, he would be proud of her just for getting this far, that he was already so proud of her.

But.

There was always a bit. Ozai always told her she was a disappointment, a failure, a lying piece of shit, she looked utterly unpresentable, she was disgusting, she had to be more presentable if she was going to go out in public like that, all of her allies would leave her because of how _deplorable_ she was behaving.

It hurt.

Azula didn’t like Ozai that much.

And it was that day that she laid staring at the ceiling (as she had been for the past... Azula didn’t know how long it’d been), that she made her plan. She knew that the mass of the followers/supporters of Ozai was concentrated around the central section of the Earth Kingdom, preparing for their attacks on Omashu and the Northern Water Tribe. The warship factory was at the West of the Fire Nation, so their spies on the inside could move them to the Earth Kingdom without too much trouble. The Northern Water Tribe would be tricky to attack, but Ozai had assured her that it wouldn’t be too much trouble. Now Omashu, on the other hand, was an entirely different matter. They were amassing enough that depending on where Azula escaped to, she could avoid them.

So she began drawing out her plans. If they attacked Omashu first, everyone would be at Omashu. And Azula would be South. She could travel along the coast and make it to Ba Sing Se almost completely undetected. If the Northern Water Tribe was attacked first, she would be North, going directly to Ba Sing Se. Ba Sing Se was her destination, it was going to be the only place Ozai couldn't reach.

Now all that was left to do was wait.

For two years.

This would be enough time to gather enough money to escape, and they were attacking those places in two years. Two more years and she would be _free_.

She could make it.

-

"How would you take over Ba Sing Se?"

This was another one of Ozai's tests. It was to see how well planned her strategies were. This one had been a test question for a while. No Fire Nation citizen had made it inside the walls of Ba Sing Se. If Azula would have stayed with Ozai, she probably would have been the first. It seemed like something he would do as a 'test'.

She put down her ideas. "Avatar Kyoshi created the Dai Li to protect Ba Sing Se but from the lack of contact, I figured out that the Dai Li are probably the ones controlling the city and the ruler is a puppet king, so it would be prioritized to gain the trust of the Dai Li. First I infiltrate the city in a small task force in disguise as esteemed guests, that would get me close to the capitol. Next, I would bait the leader, make him think that he was winning, then I would gain the trust of his armies, and now I have an entire squadron under my control. At this point, all I need to do is eliminate the puppet king, and Ba Sing Se will have been taken." Azula stared at Ozai, awaiting his judgement. The voices weren't as loud today. Zuzu was here too. He was standing in the corner watching Ozai. Zuzu wouldn't let her get hurt.

Ozai observed her with an indecipherable expression. "Good. You passed today's test. Continue your studies."

Azula bowed. "Yes, Father."

"I expect you to do better with your work. That was barely passable."

"Yes, Father."

"Now get out of my sight."

Azula bowed once more. "Yes, Father."

Only once she was in the safety of her room did Azula let her mask fall. Zuko was sat on her bed. Silent. Why did he never speak?

Azula suddenly felt very tired. She was sick of everything. The whispers that never left her alone, _leave me alone_ -

Azula decided to meditate before sleeping. It seemed early in the day but she hadn't slept that night, too consumed by the panic that she might not pass today's test and insomnia that haunted her nights.

In layman's terms, life fucked her over. 

Turns out that she didn't even get an hour of meditation before the urge to rest consumed her. She laid in her bed. She could have sworn that Zuko said something to her.

She didn't dwell on it.

-

_"Kill him." "Hurt yourself, hurt yourself, hurt yourself-" " **Hurt Zuko** " "hurt yourself, hurt-"_

Azula inhaled. Exhaled. The voices were loud today. She saw Lu Ten standing on the docks.

She saw Ozai push a servant overboard.

He told her she hallucinated.

Both of which were equally likely.

Today wasn’t a good day. She knew that she was being manipulated but...

She almost craved it. She _wanted_ to be wrong. Ozai was a good father. He treated her to a day on the docks, sweet treats too.

It was almost enough to ignore the voices who agreed with Ozai. The voices were wrong. Ozai was right and Azula was just a little _bitch_ who couldn’t accept that life was not all sunshine and carnation-roses, that she didn’t always get what she wanted. That Azula wasn’t always right.

Both statements could not be true.

_"Hurt yourself, hurt yourself, **burn** yourself-"_

"Shut up." She mumbled.

But still. She pressed a finger to her forearm. Right where Father used to burn her.

Just a little-

"Azula."

There was a small burn on her arm. The skin red and puckered.

She turned to Zuko. "I'm sorry."

Zuko shook his head, the burn scar on his face flickering until it was on fire. " _Azula always lies_ " He quoted.

"I'm sorry."

"You always lie."

"I'm sorry, Zuko." She pleaded.

"Azula always lies."

"I'm sorry." Because that was all she could say.

Zuko's voice joined the others as he walked out of the room. _Azula always lies._

Azula released her arm from her grip.

She didn't cry.

-

Being on a boat all the time wasn't _always_ bad. At first, it was. When Azula was a child, she had hated boats, but after staying for 3 years almost always on a boat (she wasn't allowed off very often, no one could know of her except the shipmates. She was a secret weapon.), she had grown to find comfort in the rocking of the ship. Another fun thing was the shanties.

"Soon may the wellerman come to bring us sugar and tea and rum." The crew sang in time with their tasks. Azula had heard it from her chambers many times, enough that she knew the words. Ozai didn't like the singing, said it drew attention to them and was a nuisance. The crew simply sang when he was away.

Azula was on deck. Her voice blended with the others, a harmony to the song. She noticed that no one had taken to carrying on the next verse. "She had not been two weeks from shore when down on her a right whale bore." She sang offhandedly, not expecting anyone to notice nor care. "The captain called all hands and swore he'd take that whale in tow." 

The crew joined in and carried her voice, launching into the chorus. Azula was shocked that anyone _normal_ would bother to notice her.

One of the crewmates came over to her. "Nice singin'." She complimented. Azula blushed both from the heat of the sun and the fact that she wasn't used to compliments from strangers.

Azula rolled her eyes. "It's really not that good." Today the whispers were quieter like the sun, sky, and sea had washed away the stress which made the voices worse. Azula couldn't think of the last time she talked with someone her own age (besides Zuko, did hallucinations count?).

The crewmate elbowed her. "Really." She offered a hand to shake. Strange, she thought that was a Water Tribe-only gesture. "Aozora." The word seemed to suit her. Azula had seen her on occasion but never asked her name. She wasn't a new crew member but she wasn't an old one either.

Azula took the hand and shook it. "Azula." She introduced.

Aozora leaned against the wall. She had dark brown skin, tanned both from the time at sea and genetics. Her curly brown hair was braided into cornrows and it all joined into a ponytail in the back. The shirt she was wearing didn't have sleeves, and this drew attention to the fact that her arms were strong from sea labour. "You're awful' young to be a crewmate, I'm one of the youngest, turning 17 next spring."

Azula shrugged. "I'm 13." She mentioned like she wasn't the youngest on the ship. She had turned 13 not too long ago, an occasion which got no celebration besides a scornful look from her father (she knew he only saw Mother in her face). It was now late summer, flirting on the edge of autumn.

"No kiddin'!" Aozora cried in disbelief.

Azula crossed her arms. "I should hope I know my own age." She paused. "What's this song about?"

Aozora smirked. "You're lucky I know my shanties." Lucky. Azula had been called that before, but this time it felt better. "It's basically 'bout these guys, forced into ship labour. It's called.. ah, it's on the tip of my tongue." Aozora snapped as if that would somehow jog her memory. "Indentured servants! That's it, they could get out of doin' all that work if they paid off a debt, but the company only pays 'em sugar n' tea n' rum."

Azula frowned. "That's..."

Aozora chuckled. "That's how I reacted when I found about it. Hey, promise ya won't tell..." She leaned in and whispered. "Fire Lord Ozai about this?"

Azula's expression turned solemn. The options were simple, tell her murderous father or keep her word to a kind stranger? Kind stranger any day. "I promise."

"I kinda feel the song represents how I feel about him. He got me out of prison, yeah, but I don't really _like_ him ya feel me?"

Azula paused. "Promise you won't tell Ozai about this?"

If Aozora noticed her slip of the tongue, she didn't comment on it."Obviously, 'course. Fire away, kid." Her eyes flashed with mirth from the pun.

Azula kept her voice low as she gave her answer. "I don't like Ozai either. I don't like what he does or says or anything about him." For a brief moment Azula considered telling Aozora she was going to leave, but that would be too much for a stranger.

"Good." Aozora said, surprisingly serious. "I wouldn't trust anyone here who does." She scanned the crew. Azula followed her gaze, no one was looking at them. "Well, I'll see you 'round." She got up off the wall.

Azula nodded, stunned. "I'll see you too." And with that, she went back into the main ship compartment.

It felt nice to know that she wasn't the only one.

-

Azula didn't expect to see Aozora much, much less at all. But it seemed that they kept running into each other. A strange thing, though, was that they never even interacted unless Ozai was away. It was an unsaid agreement. They could not be known to fraternize with each other. Today, Zuzu accompanied her as she went to the deck of the ship to meet up with Aozora. He was silent as he leaned on the railing. As much as Azula hated it, nothing lasts forever and the leftover warmth of summer was fading away; the skies were grey, promising cold autumn rain.

"Hey, Zuls!" Aozora greeted warmly, coming up from behind Azula.

Azula frowned. "Zuls?"

Aozora sighed. "Yeah, I thought that one wouldn't work. Zula? Az?" Aozora tried. Azula was unimpressed. "C'mon, kid, give me somethin’ to work with. Azzy? Lala?"

Azula froze. "Don't call me that." She said immediately, all humour drained from her voice. Zuko from his position on the railing tilted his head.

Aozora blinked in confusion. "Lala?"

Azula flinched before she could stop it. "Yes, that. My..."

Aozora held her hands up in surrender. "It's okay, you don't have to tell me. It's on me."

Azula shook her head. "No, I want to. My... my brother used to call me that when we were kids." Zuko seemed to scrutinize her.

"Is he..?" Aozora trailed off. Azula nodded.

"He passed away 5 years ago, a little bit after the Siege of Ba Sing Se," Azula confirmed. "He would have been 15 this winter." The fact weighed on her shoulders like a large sack of grain. It was bearable but over time it grew heavier and heavier. She got stronger, the sack didn’t always carry the same amount of grain, but it made her _tired_. Today was one of the days when she was sure that Ozai was a bad person and so was what he stood for. Zuko... Zuko wouldn’t have wanted war. She thinks. Azula stared at the clouds. The grey was weighing on her.

"Holy shit." Aozora said. "I'm... sorry."

Azula flicked her eyes to Zuko. "It's okay. I got over it."

Aozora furrowed her brow. "I won't press." She looked to the sky, tracing the patterns in the clouds and watching the birds. "Hey, that looks like an Albatross-tern. They live up near the North Pole.”

Azula gazed at the impossibly wide wingspan of the bird. “Interesting.”

“They live basically their whole lives up there, never touching the ground. Just flying. Don’t you wish you could fly? Like one of the gods or somethin’?” Aozora asked.

Azula’s expression darkened. “The gods were never on my side.” Zuko could attest to that. Mothers cruelty showed that. Her life was suffering, but that made her strong.

Aozora frowned. “I just asked if you wanted to fly, not talk philosophy.”

That got a smile out of Azula. “I guess.” She tilted her head towards the sky, imagining. If she could fly she would already have left, felt the wind under her fingernails, let the air rake through her hair. Freedom. What a concept. One she could not have for another year. “I have duties to attend to.”

“Mm. So do I, I’ll see you around Az’.” Aozora waved in a two finger solute.

Azula smiled but it didn’t reach her eyes. “You too, Az.”

-

It was Aozora’s birthday.

Aozora was a decently well-liked person of the ship, in part because she kept herself to herself and didn’t cause problems, yet wasn’t withdrawn. This meant that people would naturally remember Aozora’s birthday.

So even though it was considered beneath her, Azula made a point to find Aozora and wish her happy birthday. And possibly give her a gift.

Problem one, Zuko was following her again. That made it hard to think. Problem two, when she thought of Aozora it was extremely difficult to think of anything but her muscled arms or bright smile or obscure knowledge, much less what she would like for her birthday. Problem three, Azula hadn’t been to a birthday party since she was 8 years old.

Okay so maybe Azula only had two friends. Still more than Zuzu did.

Azula looked around. She didn’t have many possessions. A brush, her makeup, her clothes, these were all hers, not something to be given away. Those were our of the picture. Money wasn’t a good gift, that was just rude. Plus, Azula needed the money for when she left Ozai. Another out.

The bag!

Azula reached far beneath her bed. When she had packed her things all those years ago she’s had grabbed a bag full of small things that she had deemed nice at the time. It probably wouldn’t be much but it would be enough for a casual gift. Azula didn’t get any gifts besides maybe money, a not-perfect gift would satisfy most.

Inside the bag was a few things, her stuffed dragon her mother had made (it was a wonder that she once deemed that essential), mainly small toys. Something at the bottom of the bag caught her eye.

A pearl dagger. The one Uncle Iroh had gotten her- more specifically Zuko- during the Siege.

It felt wrong to be holding it in her hands. Azula turned the dagger. _Made in Earth Kingdom_ it proclaimed. Strange, Azula remembered the engraving being more poetic than that. She turned the dagger over. _Never give up without a fight._ That made more sense.

That seemed to suit Aozora. She was determined, hard working, funny. But Azula could see that sometimes she struggled. Everyone did.

Aozora needed the reminder more than she did, more than Zuko did. Was it just her imagination or did Zuko seem proud? Perhaps. Zuko couldn’t do anything with it. If Azula wasn’t being honest, it didn’t hold much sentiment nor significance to her. It was just an engraved dagger made in the Earth Kingdom.

No matter, Azula would visit Aozora before it got too late in the day. She stood, smoothing her robes down and kicking the bag back under the bed. Time for the worst part in the day, navigating her way around the hallways of the large ship.

Luckily Azula caught Aozora before she was in a crowd. Azula didn’t like being in crowds.

“Aozora!” She called. Aozora turned around, inquisitive, then lit up when she registered it was Azula.

“Az! Long time no see!” She joked. Azula huffed.

“I saw you yesterday. Today is your birthday.” She stated. She gave the dagger to Aozora. “Happy anniversary of your birth.”

Aozora brightened. “Woah! Sweet dagger.” 

“It’s engraved.” Azula mentioned.

Aozora removed the dagger from its sheath with a swish. “‘Made in Earth Kingdom’.” She read.

“Its on the other side.” Azula motioned.

“I figured.” Aozora turned the dagger over. “‘Never give up without a fight’.” Aozora smiled, putting the dagger back in the sheath. “Thank you.” She reaches around Azula, Azula tensed and- Aozora bent down and hugged Azula. She smelled like salt sprays and campfires.

Azula tried to brush it off. “It’s no big deal, it’s your birthday.”

Aozora nodded into Azula’s shoulder. “Still, thank you.” She let go. Azula found herself wanting more. Stupid touch starved-ness. “I hate to cut this short but I gotta be places. Catch you later.” She made motions with her pointer fingers and thumbs. An up, down motion with one hand, down up on the other.

“Happy birthday, Aozora.” Azula said once more, feeling the heat rise to her cheeks. It didn’t feel like goodbye, only a see you next time.

Aozora grinned softly. “Thanks.”

-

Azula laid in her bed. She didn’t want to get up. It was her birthday. 

She was 14 now.

She had felt older, 13 was worn out like an old sweater, but a loved one. A childhood memory that brought her protection but not necessarily comfort. But just like every good thing in her life, she would have to let it go.

14 meant action. 14 was her escape.

There were a certain set of rules that Azula was meant to follow on her birthday. The first of which was that she was not to see Ozai.

Which also meant that he would not go see her. Azula walked to the farthest place from Ozai (it had become an unspoken rule that Ozai would stay while Azula would leave. Fitting). This coincidentally happened to be where Aozora worked in the coal shovelling room.

Aozora looked up from where she was resting against the wall, very obviously not working. “This isn’t what it looks like I swear.” She said immediately.

“What do you mean?”

Aozora wrung her hands. “Well, uh, coal shovelling is literally the easiest job on the ship but no one realizes that because of how hard it sounds, so us coal shovelers just don’t tell anyone!” She rambled.

Azula shrugged. “I don’t really care.” She leaned on the wall. “I don’t have anything to do right now. Want to talk?”

Aozora smirked. “Oh _would_ I.”

They both talked for a while, the daylight burning away with the shovelled coals. They talked about anything and everything they could, gossiping about the crew mates, ship chores, whether or not Zhao was legitimately insane or not.

The subject turned to adulthood. Aozora was nearly 18, the Fire Nation age of majority. She was looking forward to exploring the wondrous world of owning property and voting on her state officials.

“I mean in 4 years I am going to be an adult-“ Azula began.

Aozora waved wildly. “Woah, woah, woah, what do you mean 4 years? You’re what, 13? I don’ mean to be rude but can you even do math?”

Azula furrowed her brow. “Today’s my birthday?” Azula didn’t expect anything to happen after that except for the conversation to continue smoothly.

“Oh, sorry, happy birthday!” Aozora said. It was sincere, just a genuine wishing of happiness.

Azula didn’t know what overcame her. Maybe it was how Aozora always felt trustworthy, maybe it was the fact she hadn’t been wished happy birthday since she was eight, but her breath hitched as something caught in her throat. Her eyes water and she began to cry for the first time in 3 years.

“You okay?” Aozora asked carefully, taking off her work gloves.

“Thank you.” Azula sobbed. “No one- no ones said that to me in so long.” The words and tears seemed to come directly from Azula’s heart and being. They were burning hot like her inner fire was the one that birthed them. They stung her face, but not like Ozai’s cruel hands had. They stung like aching for something more. 

Aozora took on a look of something not quite pity. Pity was cruel. This was sympathy. “Oh, Azula.” She took Azula into her arms in an embrace. It felt safe like she hadn’t been in so long.

“Thank you. Thank you.” Azula kept saying. “Thank you.”

The word held more meaning than both of them could know.

-

They stood, the Northern Water Tribe within sight. Ozai was facing the city, hands folded neatly behind him. He had told Azula to meet him there. She stayed behind him.

“Azula.” She knew that there was something of danger in that voice. She wouldn’t like what he would have to say. 

Azula bowed. “Yes, Father?”

“There’s been a change of plans.”

“What?”

“I’ve decided to lead the infiltration of the city.”

Azula frowned in confusion. “That is... what we planned, yes?”

“Without you.” He clarified.

Azula’s heart sunk. (Wasn’t this what she wanted? For him to leave her alone? But why did it feel like he was abandoning her.) “But, I thought we were going to do this together?” She grew angry. “You... you can’t treat me like this! You can’t treat me like-“ Her voice caught in her throat. _You can’t treat me like Zuko._ The words never left her throat. “You can’t chose Zhao over me!”

Ozai was solemn but Azula didn’t care. She was so _fucking_ angry. She was sick of being treated this way, like something that he could exploit. “My decision is final.” He stated.

“You-“

“ _Silence yourself._ ” Ozai turned, narrowing his eyes at her. Azula clammed up. “I do not owe an explanation to you. You will stay here and command the fleet.”

Azula took the anger and locked it away. That would fuel her fire for years to come. “Yes, Father.” The voices were screaming. She ignored them just like everything else in her life.

She ignored them just like she ignored the pain in her chest.

-

(Belatedly, she thought as she left the ship with a small canoe, she realized that Aozora wasn’t on the fleet either. Azula knew that Aozora planned to leave, it was written all over her. She didn’t want to serve a tyrant. It didn’t hurt any less.)

-

The thump of a stamp against paper. “One ticket for Gaoling.” The ticket master said. 

Azula- no, ‘Lee’ smiled. “Thank you.” Lee put their passport in their bag which once carried toys. They paid with coins that once clanked in the pockets of men who profited on war but had never seen a battlefield.

The ticket master sighed. “Have a nice trip. Next!”

Lee inclined their head. “I will.” They turned to the boat in front of them. It wouldn’t take much getting used to another boat after spending 6 years on one. They turned towards the future. “I certainly will.”

**Author's Note:**

> Ursa: I have three children, my daughter, Zuko, and Azula. My daughter? Oh yeah, I love her. Azula? No <3\. Sometimes <3\. Zuko? I love my turtleduckling son he is amazing I love him.
> 
> The animals Ty Lee found are not cat + rabbit hybrids they're red-backed vole + rabbit hybrids. Baby rabbits are called kittens.
> 
> Zuko doesn’t use they/them as a pronoun (like any more than usual. His pronouns are he/him) but for that one section it was for the ~flavour~
> 
> Jasmine is the Legend of Kolor discord server's group OC. You're going to be seeing more of her.
> 
> Aozora is lesbian. Yes, Azula has a crush on her but like it's not gonna go anywhere.
> 
> blink and you miss it November Rain by Guns N Roses reference


End file.
